Retrospective
a poem about my father's alcoholism
Article voiceover
One of the best things about Substack is that I can immediately rewrite and republish a poem. I make my own rules.
Today, I posted this on my Instagram:
But, after reading it online, I realized that I needed to add a few more details to truly capture the meaning of the poem, what I felt, what I wanted my readers to feel. So here’s the rewrite:
Were you your father’s remote control? Did you sit by the TV and change channels for him? Did you grab yet another of his beers from the fridge and deliver them to him? Did you watch him pass out in his chair? He loved you. He wanted you near. He wanted to say I adore you, child but he didn’t know how.
This poem is hard for me because yes. But rum and coke. And when he shook the ice in glass, you knew he was ready for other. A Pavlovian gesture I still respond to. Sends shivers up my shine. Did he love me? I too, think he did and he did not know how to let me know.
Having grown up with an alcoholic father who behaved similarly, I preferred the first version, as it went without saying that there were too many beers and sometimes he passed out. Call me a minimalist, but I found the first version more impactful. I can see where others would like the additional details better.