Article voiceover
I'm constantly losing things: my wallet, my phone, my keys. I even lose my eyeglasses so right now I'm wearing an old pair that I found in a junk drawer. I've lost people whom I thought were friends. I've lost romantic love. And I've lost my mind. I've hallucinated. Driving through the pine forest one night, I saw black bears standing on their hind legs as I passed by. Not just two or five. Not just fifteen or twenty. No, I saw dozens of bears lined up roadside like the crowd at a parade. In the old days, after I'd revealed my vision, my tribe would've given me a name like Many Bears. But, now, as I rue & rue my bipolar mania, I'd say that my name is Too Many Bears because I don't want to hallucinate even one bear, let alone dozens. But I do want to know what bears might signify in dreams so I ask Google "What does it mean to dream about bears?" And I find Jungian theories that tell me that I'm those bears— that those bears are representative of my subconscious—of my overt masculinity— of my territorial paternity— and I find theological beliefs that bears are symbols of God—of a female creator—of maternity— of a mama fiercely protecting her cubs—and I find a Freudian who believes that bears are healers inside our dreams. Bears hibernate, says the Freudian, so bears are about spiritual renewal. And I find a cognitive therapist who posits that, in dreams, a bear's meaning depends on the dreamer. So, after my research, I guess that my hallucinated bears were hundreds of fathers, or hundreds of Gods, or hundreds of mothers, or hundreds of priests, or hundreds of wild versions of me. In any case, as I drove out of the rural dark and into the city light, those hallucinated bears dwindled in number until there were no bears at all. I carefully traveled to my hotel, took a shower, and laughed as I wondered if there was a water source that was hot enough to burn my manias and depressions away. Then I called my wife and we gave our good nights. As I lay in bed, I wished there was a cure for what possesses me here and there. I cried a little then fell asleep. I didn't dream about bears.
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I love this piece even though it came at a cost to you.
Powerful! What Ben said - I love this post though it came at a cost for you. I hope it's healing to put it out here for the rest of us. And I wonder if these amazing poems will someday be in book form...